Why do I feel guilty when my mom calls?
You feel guilty when your mom calls because the guilt is an old alarm: when you were small, her voice was how you found out something was wrong. Under that alarm sits a rule, something like I’m a good daughter when she’s okay, so before you even say hello, part of you is already checking what you’ll have to fix. That’s why her name on the screen sets it off even when she’s only calling about soup. Everyone’s rule sounds a little different, and in the video one woman finds hers in a real game.
The full transcript of the video, chapter by chapter.
Why do I feel guilty when my mom calls?
Your phone lights up: Mom. And before she’s said a word, you already feel guilty.
That guilt is an old alarm. As a kid, her voice was how you found out something was wrong. You grew up, and her name on a screen still sets it off, even when she’s only calling about soup.
Under the alarm sits a rule, something like: I’m a good daughter when she’s okay. Her mood is your report card, and you never quite get an A.
Everyone’s rule sounds a little different. Here’s how one woman found hers, in a game of Leela: a board game like Snakes and Ladders, where an AI Guide asks the questions.
Why do I feel responsible for my mom?
I’ll call her Marta. She came in with a wish that had nothing to do with her mom:
I want to feel loved. Cared for. Supported.
Her first square was about the hidden rules we live by. The Guide asked where her rules came from.
Probably from childhood. From my mom.
Then, before her next roll, she wrote this:
I feel like the eldest. My mom and my husband play the children, and I’m the one who solves their problems.
As soon as I show up, they relax and hand everything to me.
The Guide stopped on that moment: they hand it to you, and you lean in to catch it. What if you didn’t?
Maybe later I’ll have to redo it after them, and there’ll be even more work.
The Guide pointed at that line. There was her rule: if I don’t catch it, it gets worse.
And that’s the alarm when Mom calls. Before hello, part of you is already checking what you’ll have to catch.
So what did Marta feel when she pictured letting it fall?
Why do I feel guilty saying no to my mom?
The Guide asked her to picture it: she doesn’t lean in, it falls, and nothing terrible happens. What opens up?
Freedom. That I have the right. I’m not obliged.
Her next roll landed on a ladder, and it carried her up to a square about saying no. There the Guide asked about the last time she’d said no to them. What did she feel after?
Pride. That I noticed it, and said: you can do this yourself. Don’t hand it to me the first chance you get.
Your rule will sound different. Maybe: if I don’t call, something will go wrong.
To find yours, start a game of Leela with one question: why do I feel guilty when my mom calls?
What do you brace for when your mom calls?
Real session. Name and identifying details changed. Marta played in Russian; her words are translated.
What is the game Marta played?
Leela is a self-discovery game. You bring one question about your life, roll a die and move across a board of life themes, and an AI Guide asks about your question from the theme you land on, one question at a time. You answer in writing. Snakes and Ladders came from this Indian board, called gyan chaupar. More about the Leela game →
Find your own rule
“Why do I feel guilty when my mom calls?”
That’s the question to bring. The Guide asks one question at a time, you answer in writing, and your own words come back to you until the rule under the guilt is said out loud. Yours may sound nothing like Marta’s.